for some reason, I always look at the prettiest girls in my class.

Since I was young, I always knew I was different. I don’t like the things that everyone seemed to pay attention to. However, I am just a child in the middle of figuring out herself. So, to make friends, I decided to like and to know everyone’s interests.

It became a habit to me until 3rd grade. When I meet the prettiest girl in the class. At that time, I was still skeptical of the idea of someone being attracted to the same gender. But deep down, I know to myself that I find her beautiful. Her hair was so long and smooth, her eyes were gorgeous, and her sweet voice felt like a melody that is made by an angel. She excelled in class, and she was the talk of the boys around the school.

Of course, as a young woman figuring out herself, I didn’t realize yet that I found her attractive.

To be specific, I tried to hate her when I found her attractive. I tried to be insecure with the way she handled herself. As a child, I didn’t understand why I always looked her way as if wanting to be noticed by her. Well, sometimes she did, and sometimes she just did her thing and I resented her for that.

When I was finally in 5th grade, I thought I had passed that situation because almost 2 years had passed since that happened. But then again, another beautiful girl sat next to me. I knew right away that I liked her but since I finally realized how badly I wanted the prettiest girl’s attention, I decided to make friends with her. Tell her that I have a crush on a boy in my class. But someone just got to steal it from me.

There is also a girl who also got close to her since she lived near her house. Behind those fake smiles is a petty mindset that I cannot understand. When they were together, I was jealous. I wanted her all by myself and just like a child without knowing who she was, I hid it with a facade that it was just a friendly jealousy.

But I cannot bring myself to listen to what my heart yearns the most.

And just like that, it passes. I still didn’t hear myself in 7th grade when I cried because a girl ignored me. I still didn’t listen to the beat of my heart when I looked at a girl with glitter in my eyes in 8th grade. I was frustrated deep inside, but I never wanted to listen because I would lose the people around me and the friendship I had with these girls.

For so long, I tried to hide the feelings that kept knocking at my heart’s door. Knowing damn well that I keep lying to myself. But when I finally embraced the fact that I could be attracted to women, I became a misandrist, a complete hatred of men that roots back to how I hated my father and the fact that all women right now hated men.

But just like before, I was once again knocked by the reality that even if I am attracted to women, I can still feel an attraction to men. Something unexplainable but deeply normal for a human to feel. I don’t need to hide my personality behind the wall just so I can fit in. I like men and women as well; I like to show my masculinity while also putting on my femininity.

After so many years of hiding behind the closet, I can finally be proud to say that I’m out. Even to my family, my friends, and even to others. I am me and no amount of trends can change that.